Dear Christmas, You SUCK…Signed Thanksgiving

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christmas-thanksgivingHere’s the thing C h r i s t m a s, I’m sick of you and I’m finally going to stand up for myself. Screw your yuletide cheer, your chestnuts roasting on an open fire (roast these) and I wish I would deck a damn hall. November is my time to shine and I just can’t figure out why you can’t wait until December! For God’s sake, you’re at the end of the month!

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You’ve been stealing my thunder for quite some time now. Every time my month comes in, stores are flooded with Christmas lights, decorations and it’s like, damn…can I get some time, some displays? At least stores could put up turkey images or something.

From that nasty ass fruitcake you push every year to those old ass poinsettias that folks think they need to litter their houses with (actually, they’re really beautiful, but I just hate your f*cking guts), I wish you would leave November alone and allow me to shine. I deserve it.

Here’s just why I am so much better than you, Christmas:

I give people the chance to focus on food and food alone. We all know that food makes people happier than strategically-placed mistletoe. “Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, help to make the season bright,” my ass. Turkey belongs to ME b*tch! Besides, by the time you come around, everyone has already had that meal a month before. Maybe you should think about serving something else.

Oh you think you can bribe people with presents? I’m pretty sure this is only thing that makes you feel good about yourself, isn’t it? Well, here’s a tidbit for you–you’re responsible for $46 billion dollars worth of gifts being returned after your materialistic day. Gift that.

So there’s this awesome thing called a nap or in the Black community–”The Itis.” What’s so awesome about it is that after families get their fill at the Thanksgiving table (you know, because I have all the foods people can’t wait to overeat), they typically take naps. But during your meal, parents are often bombarded with their kids and helping them with their newest toy, whether they want to or not. Doesn’t sound fun to me.

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