So, earlier this morning I tweeted “WHEW… after being married 18 years, I sure am enjoying the “Single Life” THIS is GREAT!!!
I guess I forgot how many followers I have with different perceptions of what this tweet may imply because I had a slew of tweets and direct messages from people that had a lot of questions and comments. Some asked, “How could you say that publicly that makes marriage look unattractive” Some people didn’t know that I’m single; some people asked if I would marry again.. I had others say that “most single people especially in ministry are looking for a mate so why aren’t I”….
I decided that maybe it’s important for me to do a quick blog about what that tweet meant from me and what it didn’t mean. It did not mean that I don’t wanna be married and that marriage is unattractive to me. If I didn’t wanna be married I wouldn’t have tried 18 years to make it work and stay married. I love marriage and family…My marriage didn’t work. Perhaps one of the reasons it didn’t work is because I was never single as an adult. At least not long enough to have “All One” or “alone” time with the Lord to discover who I am, love myself, and take care of me. When I married my life was shared with someone and I gave all of me to him and my children. I’ve never had the time to love me. Taking this time being single is allowing me to rediscover myself, heal my emotions, and even take care of a lot of things personally that I couldn’t while being married. I am able to deal with my issues and not impose them on anyone. I have the freedom to do whatever I want without anyone’s permission. Marrying as young as I did, I really didn’t have time to have interests and hobbies. It was work, relationship, church, ministry and kids. Having the FREEDOM to go to Vegas an see Prince in concert, to vacation in Amsterdam with a bunch of friends if I want, to stay up late and catch up on Scandal, to dream and work on my career and ministry…is absolutely PRICELESS to me. I don’t have anybody else’s feelings to consider while I’m doing me. This is just GREAT to me. For so long ALL I considered was everyone else but me.
The beginning of this single journey was HARD for me. I went through bouts of loneliness that purely SUCKED. I refuse to add someone into my life just because I’m lonely. I can find something else to do. This is a very dangerous time to connect because it’s easy to accept the wrong person when you are vulnerable. I also had to adjust to becoming celibate which is hard when you’ve had access to legal sex all of your adult life. It’s beautiful to have developed into the person that has power and virtue in celibacy. I LOVE it. I feel like I can see clearly. I had to redefine what love is by being real with God about how my perspective of it caused detriment to my emotions. So I went through emotional distress then healing; now I’m healed. I am a lover by nature and I feel like being single for this time is maturing me in love starting with loving me. I am certain that I will marry again one day. I am certain that I will connect with someone’s heart and life at some point. When I do, I want to bring my life to them as an asset not a liability financially, spiritually, or emotionally. Quite frankly I don’t want baggage from him and I’m sure he won’t wanna deal with it from me I personally feel that healing in these areas for me could only happen while I am alone. There are processes that God ordained for me to go through that may bring drama to a relationship. I don’t expect that my next relationship will be drama free whenever I do get into one, however I do expect to walk through issues with a sense of wholeness. I know that I want a man I my life that has dealt with his past issues, disciplined himself sexually, and has become financially responsible. I personally feel that if I want that in my life, I have to be that and being single right now is allowing me to become just that.
I encourage any divorcee to be careful and guard your heart as God heals you of your past and develops you for your future. Don’t connect too early. That’s the formula for disaster if you go into a new relationship under processed. Be patient with His timing for you and your progression. Don’t allow ANYONE to rush you out of God’s timing for you. You are in the BEST season to walk with God and know His rhythms. Be faithful to God during this time. Lastly live with the Faith that God has HIS best in store for you in all aspects of life at the right time.
